BEWARE THE VAGINA!!
For many people, finding the right person to settle down with is a very important life goal. That special someone who is not too hot, not too cold, not too hard, not to soft; in essence just right. This is not an easy task to accomplish and many of us will turn to the endless wisdom of the Internet for advice. If you did such a search on the 29th of December of last year, you may have come across an article on nycpastor.com, with the same title as this entry (minus the ‘rebuttal’ part of course). Within this article, the author tried to use biblical scripture to aid men in finding the most appropriate ‘Christian women’ to marry. I used quote marks there as his idea what it means to be a Christian will differ from billions of others who identify with the same title. Anyway, as I read through the ten points, I became more and more disturbed and rather upset with what was being touted as ‘the ideal’. The underlying tones portrayed were ones that are very much going against the advancements that we have made as a society, in terms of equality and women’s ability to express their sexuality. Today we will be looking at each point, dissecting it to find their roots and will discuss the positives and negatives of each. Spoiler alert, the positives are few and far between.
While I would rather not insult your intelligence Reader, I feel that a short disclaimer is needed. This is not an entry disputing the validity of believing in the Christian god Yahweh, nor is it talking about the historical reliability of the Bible. This is simply looking at the points raised in the article in question and satirising them to highlight the issues that arise within them. This is less an article against religion; rather an article that is against a man using the Bible to push is own political agenda.
- The Unbeliever: Christian men, don’t you dare enter a relationship with a woman who has a differing worldview. Ensure that your ideologies and perceptions of reality are kept in your bubble, by being with a carbon copy person of yourself. Keep away from any chance of you ever having your mind expanded, beliefs challenged and learning something new from someone who has their own individual ideas.
- The Divorcee: Christian men, keep away from tainted women who have broken the sanctity of marriage. She has ended an obviously unfulfilling and unmanageable relationship with another person and it’s not up to you to provide the love and affection that was lacking to her previously. Allow her to learn from the mistake she made in getting married to her previous partner and be damned if you ever enter anything with her that will allow her to put that valuable experience into practice.
- The Older Woman: Christian men, if you ever meet a woman who is your senior, run a mile!! Her age means that she is well past her prime and cannot offer you anything apart from a freedom pass on the bus, easy parking and denture advice. An experienced and worldly wise woman who is older then you in any capacity simply cannot keep up with the vitality of the younger, raw and socially naïve man and will not be able to any way shape or form impart any of her knowledge to you. Also did you see the research that is out to show correlation between being with an older woman and dying sooner?! We all know a correlation mean fact, just like the link between people drowning in pools and the number of Nicholas Cage films. http://www.tylervigen.com/
- The Feminist: Christian men, if the woman that you’re thinking of proposing to believes that she is equal to you, refrain from getting onto that knee. She is forgetting that you have a penis, so you automatically trump her vagina. Forget that she did better then you in her GCSEs, can drink you under the table and makes more money then you do. She should listen to you without question, as you one of the lucky ones to be born with all of your genitalia dangling between your legs. Also don’t forget one of the first lessons you were taught in school, that girls are smelly and are too dumb to know how to properly play Power Rangers at lunch break. This lesson obviously translated to adulthood in every way imaginable and isn’t in the slightest bit juvenile.
- The Immodest Dresser: Christian men, your woman should cover up and never express her sexuality through the wearing of clothing that she chooses and feels comfortable in. The second that she does, she is a dirty slut and will attract the attention of other men, meaning they will be lusting to touch your belongings, sorry I mean your wife. As a man you are obviously free to wear what you want, because as we all know that women are not turned on at all by the male form. Yet other men cannot control themselves and may want what you have. Make sure your wife is covered!!
- The Gossiper/Slanderer: Christian men, nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag. Am I right? A woman who discusses her hopes and dreams with a close and personal friend is not one to be trusted. She might be talking about you in a negative light, which goes against our previous points of you being in control of her. Ok you many not be attentive to her, might forget her birthday every year and come home drunk more often then not, but her confiding in said close, personal friend for comfort, reassurance and advice on how she can make it better, is blatant slander and is not becoming of a good wife.
- The Childbirth Avoider: Christian men, you all want children. That’s obvious!! Every man in the world wants to be a father, yet there are women out there who laugh in the face of this. Yes it is her body and yes she has the final say, but it’s only 9 whole months of their lives that they have the baby inside them and there is some morning sickness, emotional episodes, mood swings, searing back pain, having an overactive bladder, stretch marks, swelling that may never go down, hideously painful contractions and possible tearing in childbirth, but so what? As a man you don’t have to worry about any of this, as she is the one going through it all.
- The Wander-Luster: Christian men, just like the gossiper that we mentioned before, an independent and socially active women is not one that you should settle down with. If she is out all the time, who’s going to be there to look after you, as we know that you can’t do it? Damn a woman who has a great social life and strong group of friends that act like family. Damn her to ‘h’ ‘e’ two hockey sticks!!
- The Career-First Women: Christian men, now I’m not saying that a working women is bad (am I not merciful), but a women that puts her job ahead of her wifely duties, then she needs to be given the boot. It doesn’t matter if her field is very competitive so needs to work very hard, that she gets a great sense of fulfilment from succeeding or will be able to better support any family that she makes in a few years after obtaining a more lucrative job role, she should ensure that she completes a days work and is home in time to fix up your supper. If she is out working for a living instead of cooking your dinner, you’ll starve to death!! Does she not care?!
Well there they are, all of the points raised by the author on the ten women that Christian men should avoid. Yes there are only nine above, but the tenth was ‘the devotion-less woman’, as in a woman who has not given herself up to god. As I said at the top of this entry, I was not going at the religious beliefs, rather the actual ideas themselves and satirising that tenth point would be me simply going at him for holding a religious belief. On a side note in the near future ‘religion’ is a topic that will be tackled in its own entry, but only when I have ensured that it has been worded perfectly.
All in all, the points that we have seen today Reader all point to one thing, demonising women and setting up ridiculous expectations for them to fulfil. Simply put, they are baby factories that should keep quiet and not ever believe that they are equal to men. I don’t know about you Reader, but I don’t particularly want to revert back to the dark ages. On the other side, these ideas will also add a great deal of stress upon the Christian men reading this article, as they will feel that the potential life partners they may hope to fall in love with, simply are not good enough for no other reason then these women are being themselves.
That is no way to see the world.
We need to keep moving forward, only looking back to see how far we’ve come.
That’s all for this week folks, next week as it is the season of love, we’ll be looking at the history of day of St Valentine.
Until then, ask yourself this; what does your sexuality mean to you?
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